5e: Pigging out on Cake

From: Sir Fulhoff of Clan Balderk, Knight of Hawk’s Nest, Battle Mage
To: Helja and Adrik of Clan Balderk

Mother and Father:

The flight to the hill giant village was mostly uneventful. Bran was remarkably obsessive about keeping track of the ship’s stores, and had noted that there was a slight increase in what was being eaten over what there should have been. I put it up to Thorin’s midnight snacks. Bran thought it might be rats, so he summoned a giant badger from his bag of tricks and sent it hunting. It found a halfling who’d stowed aboard, following Thorin.

We decided that rather than tossing him overboard, we’d let him earn his keep.

Arriving at the village we circled high overhead, and Bran flew down as a crow to check it all out. Goblins, orcs, hobgoblins, ogres, and of course hill giants were all over, as were massive pens of pigs and sheep. Within the main structure was the “throne room” where a massive hill giant presided over her court from atop a splintering wagon. A hobgoblin presented her with a giant artifact. Discussing how to obtain the conch shell we needed, I was strongly in favor of a night time assault from above. The rest of the party was more in favor of a sneak attack… from a cake.



I argued that we could do the sneak attack that night and that we didn’t have a cake. They pointed out that Goldenfields wasn’t that far away…

The bakers in Goldenfields were all too happy to assist in the ridiculous plan.



While the cake baking was in progress, Bran, Aramil and the halfling went out to try to rally the female hill giants banished from the tribe by Gua. They managed to find 3, including Moog, the one we’d met a while back. Of the three, they convinced Moog and Prek to join us. Only having the 2 we decided not to risk their lives trying to fight our way in. The joined us, but only up to about a mile from the village. They’d wait for our signal to come.

I ended up in the cake, along with the halfling, Hilda, and Joda. Bran and Aramil would be the face of the delegation from Goldenfields bringing tribute to Queen Gua. We were stopped at the gate, where the guards sampled the cake and ale we were bringing. Then slowly the carts were brought in to the throneroom, and Bran and Aramil made flowery speeches about the greatness of Gau, and how her immenseness is clearly a sign of divine favor. Using these speeches, they got closer and closer to Gua, and as Aramil switches over to talking about how the giant females miss their husbands, and how Gua is keeping them from each other, Bran Thunder-stepped the two of them up onto the walkway running around the edge of the room.



Even in the cake, we could hear that! I Thunderwaved the cake off of us, caught sight of the obese giant, and charged in. Gua swung at me twice, hitting once. At least I had her attention! Bran and Aramil took out a pair of goblins who were on the walkway with them. Joda flamed on, and flew into Gua’s face feet first, while Hilda jumped up next to me swinging wildly, and sending much of the junk on the cart flying everywhere. She even managed to send a wad of icing into Gua’s eyes, blinding her! The giants and ogres converge on us. Teva spends his time stabbing giants and ogres in their feet from under the carts.

One of Gua’s giant’s hit me from behind, and I decided that since Hilda and Joda had Gua in hand, I’d get out of the way, and flew up toward the ceiling. Aramil rushes back along the walkway, and then cries out to the giants that Gua isn’t divinely favored, and that she’s nothing but a pig… and then he polymorphed her into one. The giants all paused to consider this, though the ogres were unimpressed.



From within one of her many fleshy folds a goblin popped out, and rolled to the ground. The sudden change in weight caused the cart to creek ominously. The pig-Gua charge Hilda, who caught it and pushed it back. The cart continued to creak as the combatants shifted around. Hilda kicked pig-Gua back, and then hacked at the cart with her flaming sword. Teva popped out from under the cake cart to do the same. I launched a Vitriolic Sphere at a trio of ogres were were converging on Bran and Aramil. The cart snapped, and as it hit the floor, the floor below began to crack. Hilda and Teva jumped back, kicking stuff off the cart as they went, including a conch shell! Gua suddenly returned to her obese self, causing the floor to buckle. She (and the cart) began to fall in. I helped by hitting her with a lightning bolt, while Bran lightning bolted 2 ogres, dropping them.

Even the 100’ fall didn’t kill Gua, but she was massively injured, and basically imobile. Maybe the pigs below will finish her off?

It was about this point Thorin and Rin managed to extricate themselves from the ale barrels they'd been hiding in. Somehow they'd ended up in the bottom of the pile. I’m sure the bards will make it sound like Thorin single-handedly slayed the giant queen…